Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

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Idiots

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, “And how are we doing this morning?”

Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, “It seems we are a little cloudy today…” At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time.”

Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir…

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Don’t worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get ’em.

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
No sir, that’s a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they’ll all be wanting one.

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there’s no extra charge!

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Couldn’t be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I’ve forgotten it when I removed the other three.

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.

Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we’ve served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.

Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it’s the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 – a live one?

Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?
It’s fly soup sir!

Waiter, waiter, there’s a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it’s the fly’s day off.

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer programmers hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
   a. Catch each animal seen.
   b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
   c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Economists don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Experienced economists never saw an elephant, but they try to hunt one by controlling the interest rates.

Statisticians hunt the first gray animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Experienced statisticians add that there is a small probability that the animal they hunted is a mouse.

Lawyers can let hunting a single elephant drag out for several years.
Experienced lawyers can make it last even longer.

Consultants don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
Experienced consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Experienced politicians take the elephant for themselves and blame the press.

Managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Experienced managers keep in the project file the advise that claims that elephants are just like field mice.

Sales people don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Experienced sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Computer sales people catch gray animals at random, and sell any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Experienced computer sales people catch gray rabbits, and sell them as desktop elephants.

August 6th is Wiggle Your Toes Day and what better way to celebrate than with some inspirational quotes that will have you kicking off your shoes and letting those toes loose? As crazy as it may sound, wiggling your toes can be good for the body and soul. Don’t believe me? These 14 inspirational quotes may just change your mind.

1. “The human foot is a masterpiece of engineering and a work of art.” ~ Leonardo da Vinci

2. “Think of the magic of that foot, comparatively small, upon which your whole weight rests. It’s a miracle, and the dance…is a celebration of that miracle.” ~ Martha Washington

3. “Dancing is the poetry of the foot.” ~ John Dryden

4. “You will never stub your toe standing still. The faster you go, the more chance there is of stubbing your toe, but the more chance you have of getting somewhere.” ~ Charles F. Kettering

5. “My mother told me I was dancing before I was born. She could feel my toes tapping wildly inside her for months.” ~ Ginger Rogers

6. “Earth’s crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God: But only he who sees takes off his shoes.” ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

7. “Angels cry because they want to experience what you and I feel: the moment. They live in eternity. They don’t know what it is like to read a newspaper and get ink on your fingers. They don’t know what it is like to take your shoes off and wiggle your toes under the dinner table.” ~ Carlos Santana

8. “Stretching his hand up to reach the stars, too often man forgets the flowers at his feet.” ~ Jeremy Bentham

9. “Stretch your feet according to your blanket.” ~ Turkish Proverb

10. “The island is a one-stop shop for wilderness and outdoor adventure. You can get your feet dirty by day and be pampered at night.” ~ Claire Ellis

11. “What a wonderful beautiful thing, to wiggle your toes.” ~ Dalton Trumbo

12. “The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life’s plain, common work as it comes, certain that.” ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

13. “Ten fingers, ten toes. She’s laughter and teardrops. So small and brand new and amazingly angelic. She’s sent to bless you. She’s one special baby. The best of life’s treasure and will grant and bless you many hours of great pleasure.” ~ Author Unknown

14. “I recall fondly, as a kid, … when my dad would hyperextend my big toe playing the ‘This Little Piggy Went to Market’ game. I don’t recall it hurting, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss a football game, or a game of ‘Kick the Can,’ for that matter, because of it.” ~ Jeff Fisher

Wiggling your toys may seem like a small, silly and inconsequential task; however, never underestimate the power of a good toe tension release. These inspirational quotes are a wonderful reminder of the big roles our little toes play in our daily lives.

1. If you are a teenager living on Elm Street what should you never do?
A. Go to sleep
B. Play with dolls
C. Go to the prom
D. Have sex

A. Go to sleep
TOPICS: We all know from “Nightmare on Elm Street” that your dreams can get you killed by Freddy Krueger. Written by Craven, a former English teacher, the film’s premise is the question of where the line between dreams and reality lies. The villain, Freddy Krueger, exists in the “dream world” and yet can kill in the “real world”.

2. If you are up on your movie lore, then you also know that you should never accept what job on Halloween?
A. Hotel clerk
B. Baby sitter
C. Camp counselor
D. Traveling salesman

B. Baby sitter
TOPICS: Halloween (also known as John Carpenter’s Halloween) is a 1978 American independent horror film set in the fictional Midwest town of Haddonfield, Illinois on Halloween. Originally titled The Babysitter Murders, the film centers on Michael Myers’ escape from a psychiatric hospital, his murdering of teenagers, and Dr. Loomis’s attempts to track and stop him.

3. What should tip you off to a bad motel to check in to?
A. No one else has checked in for weeks
B. The clerk talks too much about his mother
C. The clerk’s name is Norman
D. You are a thief

B. The clerk talks too much about his mother
TOPICS: At the end of the film, a forensic psychiatrist, Dr. Fred Richmond (Oakland), explains to Lila, Sam and the authorities that Bates’ mother, though dead, lives on in Norman’s psyche. Norman was so dominated by his mother while she lived, and so guilt-ridden for murdering her eight years earlier, that he tried to erase the crime from his mind by bringing his mother back to life.

4. If you are looking for a job on Crystal Lake what offer should you not accept?
A. Mailman
B. Truck driver
C. Camp cook
D. Camp counselor

D. Camp counselor
TOPICS: In Friday the 13th, we learn it is a bad job to be a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake where the counselors die extremely bloody deaths at the hands of an unseen killer who turns out to be the cook whose son Jason drowned 25 years earlier while neglected by romancing counselors.

5. British actor Boris Karloff created a cinematic icon when he played the role of what monster?
A. Dracula
B. Werewolf
C. Frankenstein
D. Alien

C. Frankenstein
TOPICS: British actor Boris Karloff played the role of the monster in the 1931 film “Frankenstein”. The ghoulish makeup he wore and the lurching walk he adopted in the film have become conventions, even cliches, of horror films. And beyond the individual techniques Karloff used when playing the role of the monster, he created a feeling of sympathy for the character, a technique that has since become a more general trait of successful horror films, whose monsters often gain intensity by fascinating audiences as well as repelling them.

6. Béla Lugosi was a Hungarian/American actor best known for his portrayal of what monster?
A. Dracula
B. Werewolf
C. Frankenstein
D. Alien

A. Dracula
TOPICS: Béla Ferenc Dezso Blaskó, better known as Béla Lugosi, was best known for his portrayal of Count Dracula in the American Broadway stage production, and subsequent film, of Bram Stoker’s classic vampire story.

7. In this 1970s book and novel, a mother believes her child (played by Linda Blair in the movie) is what?
A. An alien
B. The devil
C. Possessed by a demon
D. Bearing the devil’s baby

C. Possessed by a demon
TOPICS: Novelist William Peter Blatty based his 1971 best-seller on the last known Catholic-sanctioned exorcism in the United States. Blatty transformed the little boy in the 1949 incident into a little girl named Regan, played by 14-year-old Linda Blair in the 1973 movie. Suddenly prone to fits and bizarre behavior, Regan proves quite a handful for her actress-mother, Chris MacNeil (played by Ellen Burstyn, although Blatty reportedly based the character on his next-door neighbor Shirley MacLaine). When Regan gets completely out of hand, Chris calls in young priest Father Karras (Jason Miller), who becomes convinced that the girl is possessed by the Devil and that they must call in an exorcist: namely, Father Merrin (Max von Sydow). His foe proves to be no run-of-the-mill demon, and both the priest and the girl suffer numerous horrors during their struggles.

8. In a horror movie, you should worry if you encounter a doll named what?
A. Smiley
B. Bonnie
C. Chucky
D. Dolly

C. Chucky
TOPICS:Charles Lee Ray, or Chucky for short is a fictional character from the Child’s Play series of horror films, the original screenplay was credited as written by Don Mancini, John Lafia and Tom Holland. He is the primary villain featured in the series. Chucky is a doll that was possessed by means of voodoo magic by serial killer Charles Lee Ray, the notorious Lakeshore Strangler. During most of his time as a doll, Chucky chased after a boy named Andy Barclay because Andy was the first person he told his real name to as a doll.

9. Movies also teach us that if your son warns of “redrum” you better distance yourself from your husband pronto. But in “The Shining” all the husband is worried about is what?
A. Working too hard
B. Playing too hard
C. Becoming a murderer
D. Being murdered

A. Working too hard
TOPICS: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” — or, rather, a homicidal boy in Stanley Kubrick’s eerie 1980 adaptation of Stephen King’s horror novel. With wife Wendy (Shelley Duvall) and psychic son Danny (Danny Lloyd) in tow, frustrated writer Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) takes a job as the winter caretaker at the opulently ominous, mountain-locked Overlook Hotel so that he can write in peace. Before the Overlook is vacated for the Torrances, the manager (Barry Nelson) informs Jack that a previous caretaker went crazy and slaughtered his family. Settling into their routine, Jack sets up shop in a cavernous lounge with strict orders not to be disturbed. Danny’s alter ego, “Tony,” however, starts warning of “redrum” as Danny is plagued by more blood-soaked visions of the past, and a blocked Jack starts visiting the hotel bar for a few visions of his own. Frightened by her husband’s behavior, Wendy soon discovers what Jack has really been doing in his study all day, and what the hotel has done to Jack.

10. You can never really go home again, or at least you shouldn’t if your neighbors belong to this profession?
A. Slaughterhouse workers
B. Morticians
C. Chefs
D. Veterinarians

A. Slaughterhouse workers
TOPICS: Tobe Hooper’s influential cult classic, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, continues the subgenre of horror films based on the life and “career” of Wisconsin serial killer Ed Gein. When Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns) hears that the Texas cemetery where her grandfather is buried has been vandalized, she gathers her wheelchair-bound brother Franklin (Paul A. Partain) and several other friends together to see if grandpa’s remains are still in one piece. While in the area, Sally and her friends decide to visit grandfather’s old farmhouse. Unfortunately, a family of homicidal slaughterhouse workers who take their job home with them have taken over the house next door. Included amongst the brood is Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen), a chainsaw-wielding human horror show who wears a face mask made out of human skin. Sally’s friends are rapidly exterminated one-by-one by the next-door neighbors, leaving only Sally left to fight off Leatherface and his clan.

How and When to Make Humour at Work!

Author: Lionel Estridge

A good laugh will do wonders for you as smiling and laughing lowers your stress levels, wins you a friendly reputation, and helps your usually tense co-workers and bosses to relax.

Humour on the job will do a lot for your career, but there are a number of things you need to know about laughter and humour in the place of work.

Feeling good and having humour in our lives can do wonders for our position and productivity, which means that there is definitely a place for some humour on the job.  Having a smiling face will help your co-workers and supervisors feel better being around you, and you may well end up reaping rewards by laughing more in the workplace.  But you need to know how to apply humour in your work environment.

Laughing has been proven to be a huge stress reliever, letting you feel better and becoming more productive.  To be able to loosen up and have some fun is great, so why not take that approach to work each day and lighten up around the work place?  Smiling can make your job easier, more than ever if you work in customer service or sales.  But there’s certainly a right and incorrect way to use humour in the workplace.

One of the main rules with humour in the workplace is to avoid controversy when you are joking on the job. Stay well away from joking about political affairs, race and religion.  

Sex is another unsafe topic because of sexual harassment in the workplace.  Make sure that you stay well within the lines of decency. 

Never make fun at other people within your organization, as you are trying to win friends with the people you work with, and not set against them.  If you can’t help yourself, please be extremely careful.

Poking fun at the work you do or the industry you work in is a good way to earn some smiles from your co-workers and supervisors.  While these types of workplace jokes may not be so funny at home or with friends, as they really don’t appreciate the pressures of your employment, the people who are around you in your job will definitely appreciate the humour about their frustrations and will be able to laugh over the situations instead of complaining.

Making jokes about the ups and downs of your trade is a safe way to add wit to the place of work.  You will have the benefit of knowing precisely what your co-workers have to face each and every day, and it’s much better as it helps to let go of tensions and lower stress levels by getting them to chuckle about the situations they come across frequently.

The very best time for some humour is when you are not working, but still in the region of the people you work with, such as a coffee or lunch break. You can also make an effort to be funny on the job, but when you are working, it’s a good idea to use jokes much more thinly than you would normally do.

In general, humour in the workplace is a superb area to flex your creative muscles and give your job a little boost.

Humour in the workplace helps stress levels to drop, and your co-workers will feel better about working with you.  Start gradually, and add a few more safe jokes here and there to incite a few smiles.  Everyone will feel better because of your efforts.

The Sexy Wife Story

Author: Ricardo

Paul’s sexy wife was all Howard could think of. Paul’s hot wife? Paul’s naked wife?

Howard could not figure her out. Was Paul’s wife a cheating wife? Was she going to be his angel wife lover? Paul’s sexy wife dominated Howard’s thoughts. She was certainly a lot sexier than Howard’s ex wife.

Howard considered suggesting wife swapping to Paul. Wife swapping? You have to have a wife to begin with. Howard only had an ex wife. No wife for a decent wife swap, imagine. Wife sharing was another matter – a conventional, everyday matter. Wife sharing! What an idea. Howard was going to make Paul an offer to do some wife sharing. Paul? What do you say we share your sexy wife? Nah. Paul would never go for it. He had met his wife in Brazil and brought her over only a year ago. Met his hot wife in Rio, imagine. Those Brazilian girls are something. Ten years from now? You never know. But not right now. 

Howard stared at Paul’s wife pic. She was one hot chick, no doubt about that. She was not a mature wife yet, not the sorry type that parades in baggy pants in front of the whole world, rolling a stroller in front of her, gossiping on the cell phone. No. She was like the time traveler wife he had once seen in a movie – out of this world. He tried plying her with some casual conversation. Paul caught him in the act and said something one would expect Paul to say in such cases. Don’t screw with my wife. With my beautiful wife. With my innocent, open wife.

Howard pictured Paul’s wife in bikini. Quite a sight. What a naughty wife Paul had! Even though she was Brazilian, and Tiger Woods’ wife was Swedish (wasn’t she), there was a resemblance between Paul’s sexy wife and Tiger Woods’ sexy wife, Howard thought. Paul’s wife was a world wide wife. She wore special clothes, expensive numbers, showing a lot of leg. Showing a lot of wife leg. Paul’s wife leg. Paul did not deserve her. One windy day Howard glimpsed Paul’s wife’s pantie. Just a bit of wife pantie showing.

She could barely speak English and did not have any friends yet. She must be a very lonely wife indeed. Or so Howard thought. Lonely wife. Imagine. Paul’s wife – lonely.

She wasn’t particularly bright. One day at work, Paul offered his coworkers to guess whether she was superintelligent or dumb. Rate my wife, he said. Imagine. “Rate my wife.” What a jerk. No respect. 

Maybe I should get a Russian wife, Howard thought. Getting a Russian wife is easy. You just pay a lot of money. There are many girls in Russia, and a lot of them want to be your Russian wife. If I had a Russian wife, Howard thought, I could do some serious wife swapping with Paul. A Russian wife is always beautiful. A total reality wife, a dream wife, parading in sexy Russian wife lingerie. He once saw this in a movie. It was some kind of crazy, stupid, platitudinous wife movie – a movie that only a stupid (if sexy) wife could have enjoyed, but the frame stuck in his mind – a sexy Russian wife I lingerie. It would be nice to be able to take Paul’s wife to the beach. Imagine going to the beach with Paul’s naked wife. It would have to be a nude beach. Paul’s wife in the nude. Paul’s swinger wife in the nude. Ah, vanity! Ah, ignominy! Paul’s interracial wife was all Howard could think of. 

It would be nice to get Paul’s sexy wife drunk. A drunk wife might be more of an open wife … open-minded wife, that is, than a sober wife, English or no English. Howard once read in some stupid book that an Asian wife was likely to be more responsive to the wife-share concept than any other kind of sexy wife. Howard did not want an Asian house wife, he wanted Paul’s hot wife from Rio. He wanted Paul’s naughty house wife. 

Stare at that wife photo again. Go ahead. I dare you.

A shared wife, a hot wife from Rio – Paul’s wife.

Two years later, Paul’s wife got pregnant. She did not lose even an ounce of her charm … sex appeal … whatever. She was Paul’s sexy wife all the same. Paul’s pregnant sexy wife. Paul was Howard’s friend, and all Howard could think of was Paul’s pregnant wife. “Don’t screw with my sexy wife” – that came after Howard made another attempt to strike up a risqué conversation with Paul’s sexy wife. Paul didn’t like it. Paul’s sexy wife could now speak some English and understood humor and flirting. “Don’t screw with my sexy wife” – what a jerk. With at least two feet of that sexy wife stocking showing, she strutted in front of Howard, smiling her Brazilian smile. No desperate house wife, oh no, not she. Paul and Paul’s sexy wife. Husband and wife. 

He saw her again, when she was about eight months pregnant. She had a huge shiner, and she looked desperate. Paul’s desperate wife. He asked her what the hell happened, and she told him – you guessed it – an old wife tail about falling down the stairs. Was Paul a wife beater? His buddy Paul? What’s this world coming to, folks? Come on, Paul’s wife! Give Howard some material for a good cheating wife story. Paul’s dirty wife, Paul’s hot wife, give me a wife story, Howard thought. 

He now has an Asian wife and a Russian ex wife. Paul’s sexy wife has three kids. They had dinner together the other night.